Sunday Morning Panicked Fantasy Football Sit/Start: Week 7

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So it’s 12 o’clock on gameday, you just woke up out of a Saturday night blur, and your lineup is an utter disaster. Don’t worry, Donnie’s got you covered. Introducing the first ever Panicked Fantasy Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em:

QUARTERBACK

CAM NEWTON (at GB)

Cam had his coming out party last week, scoring over 30 pts in standard. This week he has a great matchup as he will have to keep up with Aaron Rodgers and the Packer’s explosive offense. So this would be the perfect time for him to disappoint everyone and suck.
VERDICT: SIT

ANDY DALTON (at IND)

The Red Viper had a pretty impressive outing last week despite not having stud WR AJ Green. He will likely have to live without him this week as well, and has a much tougher opponent in Indy’s secondary. I expect the Bengals to run it a lot and therefore his value is capped.
VERDICT: START. Never bet against the Mane of 1000 Suns

PEYTON MANNING (vs San Francisco)

Pros: Always reliable for 20-ish points. You drafted him so high so you would play him.
Cons: Playing a tough defense. His face is really annoying.
VERDICT: SIT and swear at every Papa John’s commercial when he drops 30 pts

RUNNING BACK

ZAC STACY (vs Seattle)

An utter bust so far, he seems entrenched in a RBBC and is up against his worst matchup yet.
VERDICT: START. Putting him in your lineup should give him the vote of confidence necessary to have a break-out game

KHIRY ROBINSON (at DET)

Probably the easiest decision yet. He’s been one of the most consistent backs the past few weeks. Mark Ingram might be coming back today, but everyone knows teams always ease back in injured players. Plus his name sounds really cool.
VERDICT: START

LAMAR MILLER (at CHI)

Recently thrust into feature back status due to Knowshon Moreno’s injury, Miller has a chance to light up the score sheet against an average Bears defense. He is running well this year and looks to keep it rolling against the Bears.
VERDICT: SIT. Since when has Miller ever lived up to expectations?

WIDE RECIEVER

CALVIN JOHNSON (vs NO)

Megatron may be injured, but he’s still a fantasy god. He has had ample time to recover and turn himself nto more than just a decoy. He’s a monster and needs to be in your lineup even if he’s inactive just for intimidation reasons.
VERDICT: START, and scare the shit out of your opponent for a few seconds.

ANDRE HOLMES (vs ARI)

Holmes had his breakout game before the Raiders’ bye and kept rolling last week with 2 TDs and over 100 yds. Probably set for a matchup with Patrick Peterson, owners should be wary about starting him this week.
VERDICT: START. Can’t go wrong with Oakland Raiders in your lineup

BRANDON MARSHALL (vs MIA)

The Miami Defense should be seething at this opportunity in their revenge game against Marshall. This on top of the fact that Marshall hasn’t scored a TD in a few weeks points to disaster.
VERDICT: SIT

TIGHT END

JORDAN CAMERON (at JAX)

Cameron had a huge game last week and is playing one of the worst Defenses this week.
VERDICT: SIT. Total trap game. Cameron has an average QB and got lucky last week.

HEATH MILLER (vs. HOU)

Mr. Consistency may be a boring option, but he’s guaranteed to get you points (ignore last week). Miller also only has 1 TD on the year, so he’s due.
VERDICT: START

JIMMY GRAHAM (at DET)

Early reports show Jimmy Graham playing today. The #1 TE of last year has been dealing with a shoulder injury and should play in Red Zone packages. He should almost always be in your lineup if healthy.
VERDICT: SIT. There is simply too much to be worried about in this game:
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Far too many red flags to feel good about this game.

KICKERS:

Seriously? Pick one and be done with it.

DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS

Defense is boring, don’t play one

Thursday Night Football Recap: Patriots vs Jets

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The Patriots came firing right out of the gate with the perfect playcall on a deep pass to Vereen (aka the Jets forgot to cover him)

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Then everyone remembered Thursday games are a joke and there were 3 straight field goals. It was really boring so instead of recapping that I’m just gonna put this gif of Rex Ryan when the acid kicked in:

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Alright, back to the action with a vicious blindside hit

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And an equally vicious hit on Brady

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Jets have a chance to go ahead late in the game and decide it’s time to unleash Mike Vick

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Because why use one mediocre QB when you can use two?

Then we got Tommy Kaepernick throwing to Amendola for a ridiculous catch

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The Jets came back and ended up taking the lead for good with a miraculous last minute field goal (Just kidding, they’re the Jets so it was blocked)

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Rex Ryan Reaction

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Bill Belichick Reaction

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Robert Kraft: Silky Smooth

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Final: Patriots 27 vs Jets 25

 

 

MNF Recap: 49ers vs. Rams

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So I wanted to start recapping NFL games for those of you who aren’t hopelessly addicted to the NFL and won’t watch a game that has no business whatsoever being on in primetime. Why not start with a powerhouse team taking on a punching bag. So here is donnie’s first ever MNF Recap:

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Not even the 49ers seemed to care about watching the game in the first quarter, possibly in a ploy to get everyone interested. Then Harbaugh got so mad he forgot how shirts work.

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Hey Jared Cook, do you guys have a chance to pull off the comeback?

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No. The answer is no.

LloydTD

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“It’s ok guys, we have the ball back down 7. Let’s show them how to play some Rams football!”

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But hey, if we can’t beat them at football we can at least beat them at childish taunting

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That’s all I got. The Rams lost and their fans are weird

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See you Thursday

Danny Amendola Trade Rumors Surfacing

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So ProFootballTalk is reporting that The Patriots have “floated” Danny’s name in trade discussions. Now, I’d like to state that I am 100% Team Amendola. I think he’s a premium receiver that will pan out greatly this coming year with the Pats. However, I am completely on board with this move. This “news” probably means nothing, but if the Pats are serious about resigning Edelman then why not try to get something for Danny too? It’s clear that Belichick values both players pretty equally, so this scenario is a win-win. And if this doesn’t work out Edelman walks in free agency and we still have Danny. Fill him in that slot spot and move on.

Now allow me to take a look at this trade from a Boston media member’s eyes (looking at you, Shaughnessy): AMENDOLA IS INJURY PRONE. HE DOESN’T FIT THE PATRIOTS SYSTEM BECAUSE HE DIDN’T MATCH WELKER’S NUMBERS LAST YEAR. THE PATRIOTS DYNASTY IS OVER AND BELICHICK EATS PUPPIES ON OCCASION.

First of all, the “injury prone” label is nonsense. Let’s take a look at the Patriots current and former slot receivers for evidence of this: Edelman has constantly struggled with injuries but he was relatively healthy this year (only missed a few games). Welker isn’t considered injury prone because he only gets season ending injuries at the end of the year (ACL Tear and Concussions). So maybe it’s the slot receiver position more than the injury prone label. That’s why it pisses me off when Danny is called injury prone simply for the fact that his injuries happen at inconvenient times compared to other’s injuries.

Secondly, the only reason people say he doesn’t fit in the Pats’ system is because Edelman stepped up this year and limited his playing time. Amendola might be the better player, but Edelman was the RIGHT player at the time. You don’t fix something that isn’t broken. Danny was productive when Edelman was out and he’ll be productive if Edelman isn’t here next season.

End of rant I guess.

Derek Holland just became my favorite MLB player in one Tweet

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I don’t really follow baseball teams other than the Red Sox so before today I’ve never heard of Derek Holland, but this is the kind of tweet that gets my attention. This tweet is perfection, he covers every base (see what I did there). Patriotism? Check. Canada bashing? Check. Out of place and weirdly sexual song reference? Double check. He even meant to use the hashtag #Goldengirls but is on such a different level that he used a more mature one, probably to show respect to women. You even have to admire the complete lack of adherence to any grammar, punctuation or capitalization rules. I needed to know what makes this man tick, if only to better myself. So, like any real journalist, I headed to wikipedia to gather background info. That’s where I saw this gem:

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Literally everything I see about him impresses me more. Like, do you think being named the Dutch Oven is inappropriate and disgusting? Well take another look at this face:holland_stache

Now try to tell me that son of a bitch doesn’t look like a Dutch Oven.

PS: I kinda thought the pedostache was a little much. It’s okay though, he doesn’t drive a van. He drives this:

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No way a pedophile would drive that.

#TeamDutchOven

USA vs RUS Recap: Bring on Canada

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Common sense says not to overreact to what we just saw. There was a lot of bounces that could have gone against the US, and a 7-1 thrashing of an inferior opponent and a shaky shootout victory should be taken with a grain of salt. That being said, fuck all that noise, we’re the team to beat and everyone just witnessed why. There was so much criticism of this team and the notable snubs were at the forefront of that. However, the GMs claimed they weren’t looking for the best players, they wanted the right players* (or that could be from Miracle, whatever). The Russians were quite possibly the best team in this tourney (most people picked them or Canada) but we kept up with them the entire game. And TJ Oshie. My God. Was this kid born without nerves or something? Every time he went out he had the most painfully slow approach I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure the Berlin Wall could have fallen twice by the time the puck hit the back of the net. With this performance Oshie has already achieved Ryan Miller circa 2010 status for these olympics.

But enough about Oshie, how about J-Quick going toe-to-toe with possibly the two best shooters in the game in Datsuyuk and Kovalchuk? He made some near impossible stops during this game but none better than this one on Malkin:

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But you know when the game was really won? Right here:

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That is the picture that will haunt the dreams of these Russians for the rest of the tournament. The net was a millimeter off because of shoddy Soviet nets and the fact that God hates Communism. That’s why all the other countries should be shaking in their boots, because America clearly has manifest destiny to win this tournament. I guess that’s what you get when you’re the best at everything.

Final score:

Freedom: 3. Rest of the World: No fucking chance.

*Blake Wheeler still sucks though

Johnny Depp to play Whitey Bulger in new movie “Black Mass”

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Let me tell you why this is awesome. It’s not because Depp is a good actor with plenty of similar roles and can handle this in the right way (and even kinda looks like Bulger). It’s because the news isn’t “Ben Affleck to play Whitey Bulger.” Even Matt Damon would be kinda weak. I mean, he already basically played his protege in “The Departed.” So this is pretty good news seeing as Whitey Bulger’s saga is about as close to a real life Godfather as you can get… Oh wait…. FUCK!

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Seriously guys? Can you please take some time and focus on something people actually want to see? I’m still waiting on the release of Good Will Hunting 2:

Applesauce, bitch.

Where to shove a college degree

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