I don’t really follow baseball teams other than the Red Sox so before today I’ve never heard of Derek Holland, but this is the kind of tweet that gets my attention. This tweet is perfection, he covers every base (see what I did there). Patriotism? Check. Canada bashing? Check. Out of place and weirdly sexual song reference? Double check. He even meant to use the hashtag #Goldengirls but is on such a different level that he used a more mature one, probably to show respect to women. You even have to admire the complete lack of adherence to any grammar, punctuation or capitalization rules. I needed to know what makes this man tick, if only to better myself. So, like any real journalist, I headed to wikipedia to gather background info. That’s where I saw this gem:
Now try to tell me that son of a bitch doesn’t look like a Dutch Oven.
PS: I kinda thought the pedostache was a little much. It’s okay though, he doesn’t drive a van. He drives this:
No way a pedophile would drive that.
Okay I thought for sure that the Soviets would be in Finland’s spot, how pissed off is Putin about that? How many players, officials, and team managers has he had silenced behind the scenes? Evidently enough for him to need to take a roster spot:
Guess that’s what happens when you get stomped by Freedom in a shootout.
Common sense says not to overreact to what we just saw. There was a lot of bounces that could have gone against the US, and a 7-1 thrashing of an inferior opponent and a shaky shootout victory should be taken with a grain of salt. That being said, fuck all that noise, we’re the team to beat and everyone just witnessed why. There was so much criticism of this team and the notable snubs were at the forefront of that. However, the GMs claimed they weren’t looking for the best players, they wanted the right players* (or that could be from Miracle, whatever). The Russians were quite possibly the best team in this tourney (most people picked them or Canada) but we kept up with them the entire game. And TJ Oshie. My God. Was this kid born without nerves or something? Every time he went out he had the most painfully slow approach I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure the Berlin Wall could have fallen twice by the time the puck hit the back of the net. With this performance Oshie has already achieved Ryan Miller circa 2010 status for these olympics.
But enough about Oshie, how about J-Quick going toe-to-toe with possibly the two best shooters in the game in Datsuyuk and Kovalchuk? He made some near impossible stops during this game but none better than this one on Malkin:
But you know when the game was really won? Right here:
That is the picture that will haunt the dreams of these Russians for the rest of the tournament. The net was a millimeter off because of shoddy Soviet nets and the fact that God hates Communism. That’s why all the other countries should be shaking in their boots, because America clearly has manifest destiny to win this tournament. I guess that’s what you get when you’re the best at everything.
Freedom: 3. Rest of the World: No fucking chance.
*Blake Wheeler still sucks though
Let me tell you why this is awesome. It’s not because Depp is a good actor with plenty of similar roles and can handle this in the right way (and even kinda looks like Bulger). It’s because the news isn’t “Ben Affleck to play Whitey Bulger.” Even Matt Damon would be kinda weak. I mean, he already basically played his protege in “The Departed.” So this is pretty good news seeing as Whitey Bulger’s saga is about as close to a real life Godfather as you can get… Oh wait…. FUCK!
Seriously guys? Can you please take some time and focus on something people actually want to see? I’m still waiting on the release of Good Will Hunting 2:
I needed to get this off my chest after last nights episode: if you aren’t watching this show I don’t want to know you as a person.
Reasons why (you’re wrong and) aren’t watching True Detective:
- You don’t have HBO (and have never heard of the internet)
- You’re a mindless drone
- You say you don’t have any time to watch TV shows and also lie to people
- You still watch The Walking Dead on Sundays (See #2)
- You fear change
- You eat paint chips (See #4)
- You weren’t aware Alexandra Daddario shows her tits in it
- You weren’t aware Matthew McConnaghey* shows his tits in it
*I’m not looking up how to spell his name because I’m pretty sure no one knows.
Slingtown edit: I know that half of these reasons are directed at me, dude
This is something that has been annoying me for a while now.The whole phenomenon of people posting famous people’s quotes to make themselves look smart has been grinding my gears since I can remember but for some reason this quote stands out to me. Let me make something clear: if you think this quote is smart, empowering or even remotely logical you’re just wrong. Let me translate this quote for people who either can’t comprehend it or for girls who see Marilyn’s picture and immediately go into a manic state bordering on insanity: “I may be a bitch almost all the time, so much so that it’s impossible to overlook this about me. Yet even though I’ve displayed no redeeming qualities in this description of myself you should still treat me like a princess.” Look girls, if you want to act bitchy and unbearable just do it. Don’t try to justify it and definitely don’t act like people shouldn’t judge you for doing it.
PS: If I acted like a dick in this article take a look at this:
I’ll take that “Sex Symbol” status now, Hollywood
There’s no football for eight months, I’ve been slowly realizing this over the past few days. This is statistically the most depressing part of the year*, as darkness befalls America and we are left trembling in front of an unsurmountable wall of 8 months without the NFL. But this is what we all need to get out of the funk. This game is something that is rarely seen in professional sports today: two teams that by all accounts absolutely DESPISE each other. There’s no mutual respect. There will be no friendly acts of sportsmanship during the game, nor handshakes after. I know it’s a cliche but Old Time hockey will be alive and well tonight. The fact that these two teams only play twice a year acts as a catalyst for the hatred. The series in 2011 is still entrenched in the mind of both cities: in Boston because of the sheer joy it brought, and in Vancouver for the disappointment and utter destruction of the city. Maybe a few years down the line when certain players leave teams these games will go back to just being another inter-conference regular season game. But for now they are about as intense as a regular season game can possibly be. So whether you’re from Boston or Vancouver or just a hockey fan in general, enjoy it. It could be decades before we get to see something like this again.
Oh and if you’re from Vancouver then fuck you.
*Statistic may not be true
I’m not talking about “I’m from another country” I’m talking about last night I started watching 24 for the first time. This was triggered from seeing the trailers for the new season during the super bowl, shit gave me goosebumps. It’s a show i’ve always wanted to watch, but didn’t want to jump in in the middle of the series. Then on the 8th day the lord gave us Netflix and I’ve binged for 4 hours last night, which speaks volumes about how good the show is because I never watch more than 2 episodes of anything on Netflix (I’m sure 90% of people reading this have seen it already and are like “Yeah, we know it’s good, asshole”). I feel ashamed for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, (like me a week ago), you should be sent to Guantanamo Bay for some “rehabilitation”.
Don’s Note: Wait watching four hours of something on Netflix is considered a lot? Asking for a friend.