8 potential reasons why you’re not watching True Detective

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I needed to get this off my chest after last nights episode: if you aren’t watching this show I don’t want to know you as a person.

Reasons why (you’re wrong and) aren’t watching True Detective:

  1. You don’t have HBO (and have never heard of the internet)
  2. You’re a mindless drone
  3. You say you don’t have any time to watch TV shows and also lie to people
  4. You still watch The Walking Dead on Sundays (See #2)
  5. You fear change
  6. You eat paint chips (See #4)
  7. You weren’t aware Alexandra Daddario shows her tits in it
  8. You weren’t aware Matthew McConnaghey* shows his tits in it

*I’m not looking up how to spell his name because I’m pretty sure no one knows.

Slingtown edit: I know that half of these reasons are directed at me, dude

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Any girl who posts this quote on social media is dumb

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This is something that has been annoying me for a while now.The whole phenomenon of people posting famous people’s quotes to make themselves look smart has been grinding my gears since I can remember but for some reason this quote stands out to me. Let me make something clear: if you think this quote is smart, empowering or even remotely logical you’re just wrong. Let me translate this quote for people who either can’t comprehend it or for girls who see Marilyn’s picture and immediately go into a manic state bordering on insanity: “I may be a bitch almost all the time, so much so that it’s impossible to overlook this about me. Yet even though I’ve displayed no redeeming qualities in this description of myself you should still treat me like a princess.” Look girls, if you want to act bitchy and unbearable just do it. Don’t try to justify it and definitely don’t act like people shouldn’t judge you for doing it.

PS: If I acted like a dick in this article take a look at this:

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I’ll take that “Sex Symbol” status now, Hollywood

B’s vs Canucks tonight: cherish it dearly

Boston Bruins vs. Vancouver Canucks at TD Garden

There’s no football for eight months, I’ve been slowly realizing this over the past few days. This is statistically the most depressing part of the year*, as darkness befalls America and we are left trembling in front of an unsurmountable wall of 8 months without the NFL. But this is what we all need to get out of the funk. This game is something that is rarely seen in professional sports today: two teams that by all accounts absolutely DESPISE each other. There’s no mutual respect. There will be no friendly acts of sportsmanship during the game, nor handshakes after. I know it’s a cliche but Old Time hockey will be alive and well tonight. The fact that these two teams only play twice a year acts as a catalyst for the hatred. The series in 2011 is still entrenched in the mind of both cities: in Boston because of the sheer joy it brought, and in Vancouver for the disappointment and utter destruction of the city. Maybe a few years down the line when certain players leave teams these games will go back to just being another inter-conference regular season game. But for now they are about as intense as a regular season game can possibly be. So whether you’re from Boston or Vancouver or just a hockey fan in general, enjoy it. It could be decades before we get to see something like this again.

Oh and if you’re from Vancouver then fuck you.

*Statistic may not be true

I can finally say that I am an American Citizen

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I’m not talking about “I’m from another country” I’m talking about last night I started watching 24 for the first time. This was triggered from seeing the trailers for the new season during the super bowl, shit gave me goosebumps.  It’s a show i’ve always wanted to watch, but didn’t want to jump in in the middle of the series.  Then on the 8th day the lord gave us Netflix and I’ve binged for 4 hours last night, which speaks volumes about how good the show is because I never watch more than 2 episodes of anything on Netflix (I’m sure 90% of people reading this have seen it already and are like “Yeah, we know it’s good, asshole”).  I feel ashamed for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, (like me a week ago), you should be sent to Guantanamo Bay for some “rehabilitation”.

Don’s Note: Wait watching four hours of something on Netflix is considered a lot? Asking for a friend.

Peyton pisses himself in another big game

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I have a confession to make: this game was a big deal for my opinion of Peyton Manning. His season this year has been incredible, he broke a million records, blah blah blah. If he had won this game I’m willing to admit that I would have finally started putting him in that “All-Time Great QB” category. But I guess some things never change. Peyton is still a slightly below average QB when it counts. And save me the “one person can’t win/lose a game by themselves” bullshit. The bottom line is that if you’re the MVP of the league and running the supposed best offense ever, only putting up 8 (garbage time) points is inexcusable.

Now, let’s see the ManningFace!

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And a bonus “Missing the snap” ManningFace:

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h/t reddit user jc_rotor

Lightning Goalie Ben Bishop fights scumbag Habs player Prust

Always nice to see Habs players act like shit heads, it really reminds you why you hate them to begin with. To tell you the truth I’ve kinda been lacking with my Montreal hatred lately. Thursday’s B’s game against them was the least excited I’ve been for this rivalry in as long as I can remember. It’s just not as fun when the B’s are dominating them year in and year out without much of a fight. At this point I feel like I’d rather watch the Penguins or Canucks play us. That’s why we should enjoy moments like this that really put the Habs in a category of their own.

PS: I was slightly disappointed that this didn’t develop into a real goalie-player fight. Feel like I haven’t seen one in forever. A dick stab and helmet boxing match just isn’t the same.

Jose Canseco just turned the Global Warming debate on its head

Attention Global Warming nerds: GET FACED. Seriously how pissed are the scientists who spent years researching the intricacies of global warming just to have Jose shatter their work with this bit of next level thinking. Probably just sitting in their labs sobbing while contemplating quitting and starting a meth business. This is the thing with Canseco, he absolutely owns everything he does. Just making pitchers tremble, scientists cry and testicles shrink.

PS: Hey science bitches:

josebird

The South is hopeless…

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(photo credit reddit user: leefferickson11)

So for the past few day Georgia and Alabama have been getting shit on by less than a dick-length of snow, and naturally they’ve basically shut themselves down.  Pictures and video’s surfacing of people having to squat in stores in shit waiting for rescue.  Are you fuckin’ kidding me?  Where did that Southern Backwoods Survivor-man stereotype go?  Like it does get cold down there sometimes, only this time it precipitated a little, adapt to survive and whatnot.  The picture above is literally what the highways look like down there, except there’s parking lots on both sides of the median in real life.  I would hate to be someone from the north down there on business or something right now, I would get a brain aneurysm from just not being able to comprehend the driving incompetence.  I’ll give em that they are absolutely never prepared for this kind of weather, nor do they have the right road equipment, but Jesus Christ.  Like how does a whole commute fuck up that badly, doesn’t nearly get that bad when some road working truck’s fat ass decides to block up 95 all hours of everyday.  You just trudge along slowly and look for your openings.  So do you know what I see when I see all these abandoned cars in the south?  A bunch of quitters.  Driving is a game, and Southerners just have no desire to win.

Thornton can dangle, kid


The fuck? Where the shit did that come from? Dude your job is to crack skulls, not break ankles, yet Shawn Thornton manages to do both. Honestly I get way over-excited whenever Thornton scores. Like Marchand could get a hat-trick, do a backflip, and have sunglasses land on his face out of thin air, but if you have Thornton score a goal I’m gonna be talking about it like Peyton says “Omaha.” This isn’t the first time we’ve seen him pour on the danglesauce, either. I hope people remember this shifty shot (30 second mark):

Swerve.

P.S. You can’t really expect the Panthers to be able to stop any team’s 4th liner, really.  Whatever, they only helped the B’s score SIX goals for their THIRD game in a row.

Editor’s Note: 

Thortydeal

Where to shove a college degree