Tag Archives: funny

Danny Amendola Trade Rumors Surfacing

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So ProFootballTalk is reporting that The Patriots have “floated” Danny’s name in trade discussions. Now, I’d like to state that I am 100% Team Amendola. I think he’s a premium receiver that will pan out greatly this coming year with the Pats. However, I am completely on board with this move. This “news” probably means nothing, but if the Pats are serious about resigning Edelman then why not try to get something for Danny too? It’s clear that Belichick values both players pretty equally, so this scenario is a win-win. And if this doesn’t work out Edelman walks in free agency and we still have Danny. Fill him in that slot spot and move on.

Now allow me to take a look at this trade from a Boston media member’s eyes (looking at you, Shaughnessy): AMENDOLA IS INJURY PRONE. HE DOESN’T FIT THE PATRIOTS SYSTEM BECAUSE HE DIDN’T MATCH WELKER’S NUMBERS LAST YEAR. THE PATRIOTS DYNASTY IS OVER AND BELICHICK EATS PUPPIES ON OCCASION.

First of all, the “injury prone” label is nonsense. Let’s take a look at the Patriots current and former slot receivers for evidence of this: Edelman has constantly struggled with injuries but he was relatively healthy this year (only missed a few games). Welker isn’t considered injury prone because he only gets season ending injuries at the end of the year (ACL Tear and Concussions). So maybe it’s the slot receiver position more than the injury prone label. That’s why it pisses me off when Danny is called injury prone simply for the fact that his injuries happen at inconvenient times compared to other’s injuries.

Secondly, the only reason people say he doesn’t fit in the Pats’ system is because Edelman stepped up this year and limited his playing time. Amendola might be the better player, but Edelman was the RIGHT player at the time. You don’t fix something that isn’t broken. Danny was productive when Edelman was out and he’ll be productive if Edelman isn’t here next season.

End of rant I guess.

Derek Holland just became my favorite MLB player in one Tweet

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I don’t really follow baseball teams other than the Red Sox so before today I’ve never heard of Derek Holland, but this is the kind of tweet that gets my attention. This tweet is perfection, he covers every base (see what I did there). Patriotism? Check. Canada bashing? Check. Out of place and weirdly sexual song reference? Double check. He even meant to use the hashtag #Goldengirls but is on such a different level that he used a more mature one, probably to show respect to women. You even have to admire the complete lack of adherence to any grammar, punctuation or capitalization rules. I needed to know what makes this man tick, if only to better myself. So, like any real journalist, I headed to wikipedia to gather background info. That’s where I saw this gem:

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Literally everything I see about him impresses me more. Like, do you think being named the Dutch Oven is inappropriate and disgusting? Well take another look at this face:holland_stache

Now try to tell me that son of a bitch doesn’t look like a Dutch Oven.

PS: I kinda thought the pedostache was a little much. It’s okay though, he doesn’t drive a van. He drives this:

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No way a pedophile would drive that.

#TeamDutchOven

USA vs RUS Recap: Bring on Canada

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Common sense says not to overreact to what we just saw. There was a lot of bounces that could have gone against the US, and a 7-1 thrashing of an inferior opponent and a shaky shootout victory should be taken with a grain of salt. That being said, fuck all that noise, we’re the team to beat and everyone just witnessed why. There was so much criticism of this team and the notable snubs were at the forefront of that. However, the GMs claimed they weren’t looking for the best players, they wanted the right players* (or that could be from Miracle, whatever). The Russians were quite possibly the best team in this tourney (most people picked them or Canada) but we kept up with them the entire game. And TJ Oshie. My God. Was this kid born without nerves or something? Every time he went out he had the most painfully slow approach I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure the Berlin Wall could have fallen twice by the time the puck hit the back of the net. With this performance Oshie has already achieved Ryan Miller circa 2010 status for these olympics.

But enough about Oshie, how about J-Quick going toe-to-toe with possibly the two best shooters in the game in Datsuyuk and Kovalchuk? He made some near impossible stops during this game but none better than this one on Malkin:

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But you know when the game was really won? Right here:

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That is the picture that will haunt the dreams of these Russians for the rest of the tournament. The net was a millimeter off because of shoddy Soviet nets and the fact that God hates Communism. That’s why all the other countries should be shaking in their boots, because America clearly has manifest destiny to win this tournament. I guess that’s what you get when you’re the best at everything.

Final score:

Freedom: 3. Rest of the World: No fucking chance.

*Blake Wheeler still sucks though

Johnny Depp to play Whitey Bulger in new movie “Black Mass”

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Let me tell you why this is awesome. It’s not because Depp is a good actor with plenty of similar roles and can handle this in the right way (and even kinda looks like Bulger). It’s because the news isn’t “Ben Affleck to play Whitey Bulger.” Even Matt Damon would be kinda weak. I mean, he already basically played his protege in “The Departed.” So this is pretty good news seeing as Whitey Bulger’s saga is about as close to a real life Godfather as you can get… Oh wait…. FUCK!

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Seriously guys? Can you please take some time and focus on something people actually want to see? I’m still waiting on the release of Good Will Hunting 2:

Applesauce, bitch.

8 potential reasons why you’re not watching True Detective

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I needed to get this off my chest after last nights episode: if you aren’t watching this show I don’t want to know you as a person.

Reasons why (you’re wrong and) aren’t watching True Detective:

  1. You don’t have HBO (and have never heard of the internet)
  2. You’re a mindless drone
  3. You say you don’t have any time to watch TV shows and also lie to people
  4. You still watch The Walking Dead on Sundays (See #2)
  5. You fear change
  6. You eat paint chips (See #4)
  7. You weren’t aware Alexandra Daddario shows her tits in it
  8. You weren’t aware Matthew McConnaghey* shows his tits in it

*I’m not looking up how to spell his name because I’m pretty sure no one knows.

Slingtown edit: I know that half of these reasons are directed at me, dude

Any girl who posts this quote on social media is dumb

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This is something that has been annoying me for a while now.The whole phenomenon of people posting famous people’s quotes to make themselves look smart has been grinding my gears since I can remember but for some reason this quote stands out to me. Let me make something clear: if you think this quote is smart, empowering or even remotely logical you’re just wrong. Let me translate this quote for people who either can’t comprehend it or for girls who see Marilyn’s picture and immediately go into a manic state bordering on insanity: “I may be a bitch almost all the time, so much so that it’s impossible to overlook this about me. Yet even though I’ve displayed no redeeming qualities in this description of myself you should still treat me like a princess.” Look girls, if you want to act bitchy and unbearable just do it. Don’t try to justify it and definitely don’t act like people shouldn’t judge you for doing it.

PS: If I acted like a dick in this article take a look at this:

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I’ll take that “Sex Symbol” status now, Hollywood

Peyton pisses himself in another big game

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I have a confession to make: this game was a big deal for my opinion of Peyton Manning. His season this year has been incredible, he broke a million records, blah blah blah. If he had won this game I’m willing to admit that I would have finally started putting him in that “All-Time Great QB” category. But I guess some things never change. Peyton is still a slightly below average QB when it counts. And save me the “one person can’t win/lose a game by themselves” bullshit. The bottom line is that if you’re the MVP of the league and running the supposed best offense ever, only putting up 8 (garbage time) points is inexcusable.

Now, let’s see the ManningFace!

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And a bonus “Missing the snap” ManningFace:

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h/t reddit user jc_rotor